What is it, how does it work, tips

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The gray rock method (also called gray rocking) is not a formal psychological approach to communication. It’s a colloquial term for a way to emotionally disengage during toxic interactions with manipulative or abusive people.

This is often attributed to a 2012 blog in which a writer described trying to act like the most annoying thing he can think of (a gray stone) when interacting with toxic or narcissistic people.

As interest in narcissism grew on social media, the term (and technique) gray rock grew in popularity.

The idea is to get people to leave you alone, shorten their interaction with you, or reduce certain types of unwanted behavior, says Mitchell Hale, a Los Angeles psychotherapist with Sawtelle Psychotherapy Group. He says this is typically used when it’s difficult for you to set a boundary with this person, or they won’t respect the boundaries you’ve already set, and it’s difficult to change your environment to avoid them completely. It’s also useful when direct confrontation is dangerous or unlikely to work, adds Dr. Nadkarni.

The approach is similar to how parents might respond when a child throws a tantrum, Nadkarni says: If you minimize your reaction to the emotional outburst, the child will be less likely to behave that way in the future.

Another concrete example: a colleague who regularly adopts manipulative behavior. Gray tipping may include reducing the number of meetings and office conversations you have with them. When you interact, you can respond with detached responses and remain emotionally neutral to stay out of drama or manipulation, says Nadkarni. This may involve using one-word responses, limiting your facial expressions, and remaining calm when responding, she explains.

This neutral response is not what a narcissist is looking for. “They wouldn’t get any joy from the reaction and would just move on,” Hale says. This is consistent with broader psychological research that suggests that the frequency or strength of certain learned behaviors will decrease if that behavior is no longer reinforced.

Gray Rock vs Stonewalling Method

Gray swaying can look like giving someone the cold shoulder or giving them the silent treatment, which is often called stonewalling. But there are important distinctions between the two, including the intention behind the action. Stonewalling involves withdrawing and not communicating as a defense mechanism when a conflict becomes too difficult to handle emotionally, although some also use stonewalling to manipulate the other person.

“I think of the obstruction [as] …intentionally stopping the conversation to exert some sort of power over the conversation,” Hale says.

Both stonewalling and gray rocking involve limiting your participation in a conversation or interaction. But they differ because stonewalling is actually a way to engage in conflict (by withdrawing), while gray rocking is a way to avoid conflict altogether and protect yourself, explains Hale.

With gray swaying, you don’t completely ignore the other person, says Nadkarni. “You just engage minimally to try to reduce reinforcement and contact so that the manipulative behavior then decreases because that person doesn’t want to engage with you anymore.”

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