We’ll save you the wondering: Yes, people with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) have considered using a calendar, setting an alarm, and setting reminders on their phone. No, these suggestions are not helpful.
In fact, these are some of the worst things you can say to someone with ADHD, which is characterized by symptoms such as difficulty paying attention, difficulty initiating a task, feeling restless, or impulsive behavior. “It’s like, ‘Wow, what a brilliant idea,'” says Bailey Pilant, a licensed mental health counselor in New York who specializes in ADHD (and has the condition herself). Yet people give this well-meaning but unsolicited advice again and again, including telling Pilant that she should try writing things down. “I can write it down, but I still won’t remember it, because you can bet I’m going to lose this paper,” she says. “I won’t remember writing it, I won’t remember where I wrote it, I won’t be able to find it, and then just like that, it slipped out of my head.”
There are other infuriating remarks as well. Here are some of them and what to say instead.
“Are you sure? You don’t look like you have ADHD.”
When Pilant went to college, her peers looked at her strangely when she revealed that she had a prescription for Adderall to help manage her ADHD. They all said the same thing, fueled by a misunderstanding of the many ways the condition can manifest: “You don’t look like you have ADHD. » Some wondered if she was sure she really had it.
“It was so dismissive and I wasn’t very sure of her at the time,” she recalls. “I quickly learned not to talk about it, and then shamed myself into not taking my medication because of the negativity and stigma that came with even revealing that I had ADHD.” It took her years to return to treatment and when she finally did, she was amazed at how much it helped her cope with daily challenges.
“You have so much potential if you just try harder.”
When you grow up with ADHD, Pilant says, people constantly tell you that you just need to try harder, be more disciplined, and stop being lazy already. “Trust me,” she thought, “we’re really trying to be ‘normal.’ »
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“These comments are so disheartening,” she said. “I feel my heart break remembering all the times I was told I had so much potential, if only I applied myself more. It hurts because that’s not what’s happening.” She wishes more people understood that ADHD leads to problems with executive functioning, which can feel like being at a traffic stop without any lights, signs or controllers waving cars through. “Our brain is like a child’s game that we’re constantly navigating: ‘What am I supposed to do? How can I do this? How can I figure this out?'” she says. “It takes a lot of gray matter and work to fight internally all day, every day, to overcome the challenges of life.”
“You’re being way too dramatic.”
People with ADHD often experience intense, overwhelming emotions, triggered by the slightest setbacks and frustrations. This may include being particularly sensitive to rejection. “They tend to experience their emotions in very vivid colors — they feel things more deeply than others,” says Billy Roberts, a therapist in Columbus, Ohio, who specializes in this condition. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, he says; it can contribute to creativity and artistic talent, for example.
Yet friends and family members often urge people with ADHD to calm down, telling them they are being too dramatic or too sensitive. This is a mistake. “It increases their shame and self-criticism, and can decrease their self-esteem and self-worth,” says Roberts. “It could actually break their confidence and make them less assertive. It’s not just one comment, it’s the buildup of feeling misunderstood and not being listened to.”
“Everyone has a hard time with it.”
One of the worst things you can say to someone with ADHD is that “everyone has trouble with it” when referring to one of their symptoms, such as always being late. In fact, most people experience ADHD symptoms from time to time, says Russ Jones, ADHD productivity coach and host of the show ADHD Big Brother podcast. Forgetting and lateness, for example, are common. Yet this doesn’t mean that you also have ADHD or that the other person doesn’t have a “real” illness. “What makes the difference is the degree of impairment we feel from these symptoms,” he says.
Take for example losing your car keys, which happens to most people occasionally. Boring? Of course. “But for an adult with ADHD, those lost keys could make them late for work, and if they’re late for work again, they’ll lose their job,” Jones says. “And if they lose another job, their spouse will leave them. That’s the difference with ADHD.”
“Can you stop moving for a minute?” »
It’s common for people with ADHD to feel like they’re constantly being yelled at to sit still. Keep in mind that for many, keeping their fingers busy – such as with small fidget toys – actually improved concentrate, as it helps regulate the nervous system, allowing them to eliminate distractions.
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Yet people often mistake Jones’ restlessness for a lack of interest. He wants them to know: “It’s me doing what I need to do to stay focused,” he says. “I have to occupy certain aspects of my brain. It’s not me asking myself, ‘How can I get out of this?’ I’m a nice guy, I care about you and I want to listen to you, but if I sit still my brain goes everywhere at once. Give me a fidget toy and I can lock myself away.”
What to say instead
There are many ways to support your loved ones with ADHD. Instead of casually saying, “Everyone has ADHD these days,” Pilant suggests saying, “I can see how much effort it takes to deal with this.” This seems really difficult. » You can also show interest by asking, “What are the biggest challenges you face every day?” »
“Be curious about the person,” she advises. “Instead of saying things like ‘try harder,’ ask what strategies or supports help them the most. And instead of telling them (for the umpteenth time they’ve heard it) that they should try using a planner, Pilant recommends asking, “Can I share something that worked for me and see if it might work for you?” Or: “What was your experience when you used this tool before? Can we work together to find a system that would better meet your needs?”
Learn more: What is hyperfixation?
If you have a close relationship with someone with ADHD, make it clear that you don’t want to fix or change them, but rather like to help make their life easier. For example, you could ask your girlfriend, “Hey Jules, have you thought about taking XYZ?” If she starts berating herself for forgetting, don’t hesitate: “It’s okay! I had a feeling you might forget, so I took it for you.”
“The best thing you can do is learn to support them and not shame them for their ‘deficits,'” Pilant says. “Then also have that loving, radical acceptance and understanding that even with the support and tools in place, they may not always be able to do it – and that’s where we come in, with gentle reminders or simply by taking over and filling that deficit for them.
Wondering what to say in a delicate social situation? Send an email to timetotalk@time.com
