Researchers still do not understand what exactly causes depression. But what is clear is the following: it has nothing to do with alarm clock and the simple choice of not appreciating all the good things in life.
This is why Claudia Giolitti-Wright, psychotherapist in New York, crossed teeth when customers with depression report what their friends or family members inevitably say: “But you have so much to be grateful!” It is, she believes, the worst way of answering n ° 1 when someone opens with their mental health difficulties.
“This implies that gratitude should cancel and delete depression, while it is simply not the functioning of the brain or the nervous system,” she said. “You can feel absolutely numb and be grateful at the same time. You may be successful and think positively about certain things and always be depressed. These truths coexist, and when we do not keep space for both, we risk silencing the people who need support most.”
There are also other exasperating answers. Here are some of them – more what to say instead.
“It could be worse.”
What to say instead: “What you are going through seems very painful. I want to understand it more.”
If you tell someone that their situation could be worse, you tell them “their pain is not legitimate unless it reaches an arbitrary threshold,” says Giolitti-Wright. You may make your friend believe that he does not deserve help and exacerbates guilt and self-chief commonly associated with depression. (A classic thought in this vein: “Why am I depressed when the others are literally hungry or dying?”)
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Instead, respond with curiosity in a way that validates their experience. This is one of the most powerful ways to build a feeling of security in a relationship, because it shows that you are present and compassionate, says Giolitti-Wright.
“Have you tried yoga?”
What to say instead: “Would it help to talk about it, or do you prefer that I just sit with you?”
Leaning in the position of dogs down or taking a walk will not cure someone’s clinical depression. However, Giolitti-Wright often hears people offering “unsolicited, very simple and stereotypical advice” to their friends in difficulty. “It is definitely disdainful – as if the person has not already tried or considered these options,” she says. “But that also gives them the burden and implies that their depression is a failure of the effort, not a legitimate condition of mental health.”
A better approach is to wonder if they want to talk about what is going on, which communicates the presence on problem solving (potentially unwanted). “You give them the power to tell you what they need, rather than just jumping in advice,” said Giolitti-Wright.
“Change your position!”
What to say instead: “I don’t know exactly what to say, but I’m here.”
Aucting someone to get out is useless for more reasons than Giolitti-Wright cannot count. To start: “This implies that the person chooses to feel this, which is terrible,” she said. Anecdotal, she discovered that it could lead to an internalized shame. “Some of my clients are like:” What’s wrong with me? ” Because I can’t get out of my bad mood. “She tells them that if it was easy to move outside the fog of depression, she would not have a job.
If you don’t know what to say when your friend has trouble, it’s normal to tell them that. You don’t need to have the perfect words. What is more important, says Giolitti-Wright is to be hot, open and present.
“You are just dramatic.”
What to say instead: “Do you want support to find someone to talk about what you feel?”
Accusing someone who is depressed to be dramatic is a “classic” response, says Giolitti -Wright – she hears all the time. “It is obviously invalidating, and it can be particularly harmful to women, who are already confronted with this cultural message which is equivalent to emotion with rationality,” she says. “He teaches people to remove emotion rather than exploring it, which we need when we are depressed.”
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Asking someone if they like to help fuel professional mental health support, on the other hand, is one of the best ways to provide support. This could mean combing therapists from directories to find out who accepts new patients nearby or offering to look at their children during appointments.
“Oh, well, everyone sometimes feels that.”
What to say instead: “It seems really heavy. I’m here to support you as I can.”
This is a well -intentioned answer which often stems from an uncomfortable desire to normalize. But instead, it minimizes it. In addition, “depression is not only wondering,” says Giolitti-Wright; This can cause symptoms, including fatigue, brain fog, social isolation, suicidal thoughts and weight gain or loss.
She prefers to clearly say that what your friend experiences seems difficult, which “validates the emotional weight and opens the door to a deeper conversation”.
“But you seem good.”
What to say instead: “I’m really happy that you have shared this with me. You don’t have to pretend with me.”
People often notice that their high-level friends seem well, but which reflects a “distorted view of depression, where people do not eat, do not sleep, will not work, look terrible and do not shower”, says Giolitti-Wright. “Many people work very hard to hide their symptoms due to stigma and shame, and for fear of being a burden for their partners or their loved ones.”
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This is why you better let your friend know that he can be frank with you. Recognizing that someone may seem good and still having difficulties encourages authenticity and is a key ingredient in healing, says Giolitti-Wright. “When we meet someone’s depression with curiosity instead of correction and empathy instead of evaluation or advice, we are then part of their healing environment,” she adds. “It can really change someone’s life.”
Wondering what to say in a delicate social situation? Send an email to timetalk@time.com
