What to say (and not to say) to someone who is going through a breakup

When your friend’s heart is broken, you may have a hard time offering support words. What can you say to help relieve the pain of feeling abandoned, rejected, injured or intended for a single life?

Choose judiciously: “These words, for better or for worse, stay with people,” explains Natalia Juarez, relationship coach that helps people sail in ruptures. The end of a relationship is a pivotal moment that can burst the routines, identity and future plans of your friend, and they will remember the way you showed up even when they can no longer invoke the exact shade of their ex.

Beware of the common traps that could offend your friend, warns Juarez, as they say freezing that time heals all injuries. This kind of “toxic positivity” can “minimize their pain,” she says. And to resist the temptation to tell them that the best way to overcome a person is – finally, to familiarize themselves with another. “It’s insensitive,” she said, and the men and women told her that they do not appreciate the joke. Another insulting but common comment that Juarez hears is “at least, you were not married”, which minimizes a relationship that could have indicated all even if it was not recognized by law. And remember: Broken hearts do not have a detailed together during the night. Never ask your friend why they don’t have a break up.

We asked Juarez and other experts to share the most useful things to say to someone who is going through a break.

“This is really great news.”

Instead of saying that you are sorry to hear about the split (it is not your fault), open the conversation with something neutral that is not full of emotion in both directions to have an idea of the way your friend goes, advises Morgan Cope, assistant professor of psychology at the Center College of Kentucky who does research on the ruptures.

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You can also ask, in an attentive but simple way, how they feel about things. In this way, you have no hypothesis. (If your friend is devastated, for example, she will certainly not appreciate that you bask in Glee that her terrible ex is finally out of the image.) Once you have taken the temperature of the situation, adds COPE, you can adapt the way you talk about it accordingly.

“It is logical to feel a lot of different things right now: really bad today, but perhaps a little better tomorrow.”

The healing of a rupture is not a linear process. “You are gradually improving, but there is volatility,” explains COPE. “One day, you really feel Crudy, then the next one you say to yourself:” Ok, I get there “, and then you think you see their car in the street, and you have emotional depression.”

Recognizing this top to bottom scheme is better than putting your friend by telling them that he will never feel so bad again, she adds-because, in reality, they could very well.

“Congratulations!”

Not all breaks are something to cry. Maybe your friend has won the courage to disconnect a relationship they knew they had exceeded – and now he feels a feeling of relief and even pride. If this is the case, go ahead and congratulate them. “It can be good if they have been struggling for a long time, and it seems that they are in a space to hear this,” explains Cope. You can even add: “I know you need to feel a range of emotions, but now you have space for new and best things.”

“You have done your best.”

Your friend could be scary on the fact that there was more than they could have or should have done to save things with their ex. Put this discomfort from a distance by reassuring them that you have seen their efforts, advises Juarez. “It helps to release painful feelings, like regret,” she says. “” Did it end too early? Were we able to try more? Could I have liked harder? “” From such questions do not lead anywhere, adds Juarez, and your friend will appreciate your comfort and empathy.

“What should we do to protect you?”

Leaving a relationship can be dangerous for some people, underlines Cope. If your friend was in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, she recommends saying to them: “I’m so happy that you are safe now. I appreciate your well-being, and I’m here to support you.” Perhaps you can help them think about logistical tasks, such as depositing a ban prescription, change the locks on their front door, get a new phone number or hire a lawyer.

“Now you have clarity.”

If the situation of your friend is no longer a relevant situation, he could face a complicated whole of emotions. COPE suggests linking what you say like this: “I know things have been uncertain with this person, and it can be really difficult. Now you have clarity, and you can move forward.”

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Do not assume that the dissolution of the situation is not painful, she adds, just because it was not a full-fledged partnership. Your friend has probably “spent so much time ruminating and thinking and obsessing” to the other person, and filling this newly empty space in his life can be difficult.

“It is a disguised blessing.”

In general, it’s a good idea not to plug the ex of your friend badly; Reconciliations can occur and occur. But sometimes it can be useful to become a little spicy.

Juarez still remembers that, after a broken commitment, a friend told her that she had dodged a bullet. “It gave me these anchors to keep, even when I wondered,” she said. She was able to withdraw from the darkness by repeating the words of her friend and remembering: “It’s for the best.”

“You do not start again; You start from the experience. “

It’s a great way to crop your friend’s break up as a springboard in something new and fulfilling. “It helps someone see that they are not back to square one,” explains Amber Lee, a matchmaker and co-founder of the Select Matchmaking Service Date Society. “They are wiser, stronger and more aware of oneself than before.” For the highly efficient customers she works with, the idea of starting again often resembles failure, she adds, and this sentence gives them credit for their growth.

“There is no shame in missing someone who did not suit you.”

People often feel in conflict about ruptures: they knew that the relationship was not their end game, but they still miss their ex. Validate their feelings can go very far.

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“We cannot control what we feel,” says Lee. “Let them know that they should not be ashamed – it is normal to feel this right now, and in fact, it is probably very normal to feel this way.” Reassuring your friend can help eliminate guilt and make room for sorrow, says Lee, without encouraging them to act on his feelings or return to their ex.

“It didn’t work because it was not the right choice, not because you are not enough.”

Auto-blame is common after a break. Reassuring your friend that it is worthy can help move their inner story of that of personal insufficiency to a mutual gap. “He reduces shame and invites curiosity instead of self -criticism,” explains Lee. “All relationships must be a mutual adjustment, and if that was not the case, then it is not your person – and that has nothing to do with the fact of not being good enough.”

“Let’s go to the cinema or hang around in the park.”

If your friend likes a certain activity, try to cheer up by doing plans to do it together, explains Jan Miller, psychologist with ThriveWorks, who provides therapy and psychiatry services. Often, when people leave their house to do things – even if they don’t want it, it ends up improving their mood. “It will not make the pain disappear,” she says, “but it can be a good healthy distraction.

“This breakup does not happen to you. This happens For You.”

About a year after the end of Juarez’s engagement, she heard these words – and wanted someone to tell her when she needed it most. The simple reframe “gives you hope,” she says. “It is a paradigm shift.” She considers it a more pleasant way to tell someone to “trust the process” that, for example, the too cliché cliché “everything happens for a reason”.

“We can spend time together without speaking, if you wish.”