The promise of a father: to break the cycle of trauma and dependence for my son

At the birth of my son, I made a promise and him: the cycle of trauma and dependence stops now.

I was 12 years old at the time. The path that brought me there had been filled with abuse, shame, neglect and consumption of reckless substances.

But even if my story was heartbreaking, I knew that his – my son – would be different and that he would never suffer from a lack of love or parental support in the way I did it.

Escape my environment, build a new future

I come from a long line of family members suffering from serious mental health problems and the consumption of substances. They are all extremely talented, but very wrong, and they could never work on these demons.

My two grandfathers died of alcoholism. When I was 4 years old, my grandmother intoxicated and almost killed me, and I was blamed.

At school, I was a rising track star, but I also had dyslexia and I had trouble following the class. When I was in the third year, the teacher made me stand in front of the class and read to everyone, but I couldn’t do it.

And nobody recommended me – not my teachers or my parents. Instead of telling teachers: “He has reading problems”, they would say to me: “You don’t try strong enough because you are a good athlete.”

Worse still, my father was unloading on me when he came home after a day of 12 hours. Something that I would trigger it obviously, and he had beat me.

This is why, from an early age, I knew that I had to escape this environment by myself. I left Australia and built a new life in America.

Years later, when my wife got pregnant, the severity of this imminent responsibility was terrifying. Before, I thought it was all about me. Suddenly, it was “us”.

I wanted a girl, but I knew that God would eventually give me a boy. For what? I would therefore be forced to be the cycle breeze – so that I do not do what my father did.

And indeed I had a boy. When I see it, I see what I needed when I was a child. I never put my hands on him. I want to protect it at all costs.

A great thing

I always say to people: “Being a parent is a process. You register for a very great thing. So, if you are going to register, dig, because you are playing with another life.”

My work as a father is to give my son a safe space to understand whoever he wants to be when he grows; be there for him; train it; be your best friend; And be a good model.

I will teach him the skills he needs to succeed. I will teach him to be a good human being. This is my work.

Over the years, I took care to model the type of behavior and the choices I want to see.

I also urge parents to understand that they do not have to adapt to the stereotype to be “downward and outside” and to strike the proverbial background to need treatment.

Even the best professionals, including those in the health industry, can become dependent on substances while seeming to manage their lives, without realizing that this dependence can potentially damage their families and their livelihoods.

There are many CEOs, doctors, nurses and other health professionals who work to some extent, but they always need treatment and should not be ashamed to look for it.

In doing so, they will give an important example for their children.

History does not have to repeat itself – unless we left it

To any father who has difficulties at the moment, know this: your past does not have to write your future. The help is there, and you can change the trajectory of your life and that of your family. Dependence and trauma do not have to be transmitted to the next generation. The cycle can stop with you.

For many fathers, this will mean asking for help or going to treatment. I see fathers every day that made this step daring for them and their families.

There are also meetings. If you are afraid to go to a meeting in person, you can go online. There are incredible communities.

Do not be ashamed. Remove shame and forgive yourself to make mistakes. This is part of human experience. We are all supposed to make mistakes.

Recently, I was asked what I would say to my son about my dependence when he aged. I would say to my son very simply: I tried to escape my reality because my reality was so painful. And you never have to escape your reality because I’m still here for you.

A story of freedom

The greatest thing that the recovery taught me was to remain present. It is one day at a time. I recently celebrated 19 years of recovery.

What did I learn? Restoring is a lifestyle. These are processes and progression. There is no perfection. This is to introduce yourself for yourself, so you can introduce yourself to others.

Recovery ensures that you are healthy in all areas of life, so that you can help others and be at the service. Because we all recover from something.

My story is one of the millions – shaped by the fight, but not defined by it. What makes me move forward is the hope that the story of my son will be that of freedom, not survival.

Photo credit: Flickr user Makelessnoise

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