Social anxiety can ensure that any gathering is intimidating. Long before someone went to a crowded party, the restaurant where he has a first meeting or the conference room where he makes a speech, he will start to replay the worst scenarios.
“There is a lot of anticipation and anxiety leading to the event,” explains Charissa Chamorro, clinical psychologist at the Icahn School of Medicine of Mount Sinai, where she co -edit the anxiety, OC and Tics scholarship. “The person can ruminate and think again and again about the situation, and this is where some of these autocritic thoughts come in:” I will not know what to say, I will not know how to act, I will not know what to do with my hands. “”
Once the social situation has arrived – that it means that they are surrounded by two or two dozen people – they will have the impression that there is an “intense microscope or projectors”, explains Chamorro. “People often say they feel almost transparent.”
Physical symptoms may include a heart rate rhythm, stomach pain, sweaty palms and a beaten face. Mental people include what Chamorro calls “the brand brand” of social anxiety: an intense fear of being judged. This is where unnecessary comments tend to enter. Back against it, leading a person to avoid social situations even more.
We asked Chamorro and other experts to share the worst things to say to someone suffering from social anxiety – more, which is really useful.
“”Relax.
A comment like this minimizes and invalidates what they are going through. You might as well say to your friend “it’s not that bad, it’s not that serious, and you shouldn’t feel like this,” said Whitney McSparran, a professional advisor with ThriveWorks, who provides therapy and psychiatry services. “There is an element of judgment which is communicated – and when it comes from your support, you will internalize him even more.”
Find out more: The worst things to say to someone of anxiety – and what to say instead
People with social anxiety cannot just turn on and turn off their fears, which is why it is not useful to ask them to stop worrying. “If it was so easy, people like me would not have a job,” explains McSparran. “No one chooses this. No one says,” I would like to feel horrible today. “If they could make the decision to relax, they would do it.”
“”It’s not so serious – it’s just a party. »»
It seems windy, but you really send a message that says: “Everyone can do it but you are the problem.”
“This is the subtext of what is communicated,” explains McSparran. In addition, this will give your friend the impression that you are not interested in understanding them or serving as a support system.
Instead of informing them in a way that seems false – “I think you are great with people!” – Or claim that everything is fine, meet your socially anxious friend where they are validating and supporting their concerns. For example, it can be useful to say: “I understand. It can be easy for some people, but for you, it is torture, ”suggests Dr. Sharon Batista, psychiatrist in New York. If you go to an event together, reassure them: “I will be there to support you” or “You will feel like a million dollars after doing this.”
“If the person does the thing he is afraid of – and with skill – they will feel great,” explains Batista. Do a duty to congratulate them and let them know that you are proud of them for their exit from their comfort zone.
“You are so calm!”
Apply labels like this, or push your friend to “speak simply”, will probably turn around. So I will ask them why they don’t speak more.
“The person you say is aware is silent,” explains McSparran. “They probably hope that they are doing a good enough job by masking it so that no one else mentions it. So you say essentially: “Not only is your struggle obvious, but I have thoughts. There is so much judgment there.
When Chamorrro works with people who suffer from social anxiety, she reminds them that the objective is not to change their personality. “You can be introverted and really make your time alone and have significant social ties,” she says. “Something that can be more useful is:” I know it can be difficult to find the words sometimes, but you don’t have to speak. It’s great to have you here. “”
“”JBe yourself.
It seems harmless – and even free, right? But this kind of comment often stings. “It can be really difficult for a person to hear it,” says Chamorro. “Although it is supposed to be reassuring, it can be confusing, but also really frightening for someone suffering from social anxiety.” This is because one of their fundamental fears is to be judged exactly For Being themselves, so being authentic does not feel safe as it could for someone else, she says.
Find out more: 8 Symptoms doctors often reject as anxiety
Instead, focus on providing direct and specific comments on what you appreciate about your friend – and do it in real time, because these traits shine. For example: “I think you are really funny. I love your sense of humor.”
“I work with many people suffering from social anxiety, and they are often very conscientious and thoughtful and intelligent and funny,” explains Chamorro. “This is the feedback that people need – specific comments on what they have to offer.”
“You just need a little liquid courage!”
People with social anxiety understand it all the time – often while their friend tries to have a drink in their hand or drive them to the bar. “There is this story that if you are anxious, you just have to relax,” explains McSparran. “You just need to close your brain a little.” However, alcohol does not reduce anxiety for everyone and could have the opposite effect.
In addition, “If you drink and you feel more relaxed, it creates this loop:” Oh, I need to drink – that’s how I can be social. This is how it can be fun. “That, says McSparran, can lead to potentially dangerous behavior models.
What to say instead
It is preferable to give priority to understanding and acceptance. When your friend is anxious, tell them that you get it, suggests McSparran, and you will stay by their side. If you go to a party, think about a plan in advance: “If you need a break or leave, send me a text and we can take a break.”
Showing acceptance is essential. What you want to pass, she says, is the following: “I do not ask you to change it, I do not judge you for that, and I do not tell you that you have to go to repair it. I just say:” Ok, you are my friend and that’s what you feel, so I’m here to support you. “”
Find out more: The worst thing to say to someone who is depressed
This always includes the celebration of efforts, even if there are hiccups along the way. “If you have someone important in your life and they are dealing with social anxiety and they are trying to go out, recognize it,” says McSparran. “Say:” Hey, thank you very much for coming with me. I know it was not easy, and I really appreciate it. »»
Wondering what to say in a delicate social situation? Send an email to timetalk@time.com
