How do I break up with a kind and generous man who leaves me cold and irritated? | Relationships

How do I break up with a man who loves me, who is super kind and generous and who gives me stability but who leaves me cold and irritated most of the time?

I am a 36 year old woman and we have been together for four years. During this time, His stability provided me with a foundation to grow and expand in the most wonderful ways. Now I feel suffocated. He’s a wonderful person, but he has no interest in leaving his hometown to try something new (I’m an immigrant). His only interests are pubs and football and when we go abroad he wants to spend most of his time at the pub, which infuriates me.

I dream of traveling the world, becoming a writer and living in a van. I cherish solitude and have a very rich inner life. I don’t think I want any sort of romantic relationship again. I see beyond the mundane and truly believe that we can live in a different, lighter way if we choose. He is very conventional and has no interest in sticking his head above the parapet. I don’t think it’s a “bad” way to live, I just think it’s not the only way to live. I don’t want to be on my deathbed (hopefully 50 years from now), regretting that I missed out on an adventure because I cared about a man. We want completely different things from life.

However, if I leave, it will break his heart and mine. He’s a good man who deserves a wife who shares his vision of life. I’m really sad that it couldn’t be me.

Eléonore says: One day, while working in a call center, I called Mr. So-and-so looking for Mrs. So-and-so. “Not here. Divorced. Moved out,” said the voice on the other end of the line. I put my fist to my forehead at my desk and apologized profusely. He remained unfazed and laughed reassuringly: “It’s okay! A happy marriage wouldn’t have ended in divorce.”

I don’t know if that’s a universal rule, but you see what he’s saying. It was already bad. That’s why they divorced. It wasn’t the divorce that made things bad.

When we’re considering leaving a good, loving person, it’s easy to go into paroxysms thinking that the decision is essentially, “How can I justify doing this terrible thing to them?” Can I unilaterally move them from a great world (romantic relationship, everything is good) to a bad world (lonely, broken heart)? How could I do this to someone so kind?

But the truth is that he’s already in the wrong world. If he’s in a relationship with someone who doesn’t know if he wants to be with him, his world isn’t great right now. The breakup would hurt extremely, yes. He would be alone. And he would learn the harsh realities of your relationship. But they already have are reality. This may have been true for a while.

I wonder if deep down you think that too. Your original question was: “How do I break up with a man who loves me?” ” not, “Should Should I break up with a man who loves me? You’re not sure about the decision. But at the same time, when you think about the person he should be with, you say with complete clarity, “That can’t be me.” It looks like you’ve already made your decision.

If you want permission to hurt a good person: this is it. It’s actually not a favor to stay. People can tell if you are reserved about being around them. Just as you lament the life you could have without him, there is a life he could have without you; maybe with someone who thinks romantic relationships are really important, or who loves how much they love their hometown, or who would eagerly go to the pub when they travel together.

If you’re really not sure, I understand that too. Thinking about leaving may give you glasses of irritation, but at the same time you know that it won’t just be the irritations that go away. When he takes his pubs and his hometown, he will also take kindness, stability. Often, the annoying side and the adorable side are two sides of the same trait; the things about him that make you feel safe might be the same things that make you feel constrained, so that when you lose one, you discover how much you appreciate the other.

But if what happens is that you realize there are real incompatibilities but you don’t know if they “warrant” the move in the first place, I think it can be helpful to remember: They are already true. If you’re not compatible, that’s why you’re breaking up. It’s not the breakup that makes you incompatible.

*The letter has been edited for length

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