People think I can’t take care of my house – Chicago Tribune

Dear Eric: I’m getting old. I have lived at home more than half my life. I raised my children, went to school, had a career, and launched my children all while living here as a long-term divorcee.

In recent years, my body has changed. I now use a walker. My mind works very well. Many confuse mobility problems with thinking problems.

Today a neighbor’s son, visiting for the holidays, just started shoveling my walk without consulting me. I had already made arrangements for snow removal with someone else. I asked if I could pay for it. He said no. I told him that the person I had made arrangements with was counting on the income from shoveling.

I thanked the neighbor’s son for his kindness and he left. I can no longer do yard work or shovel snow.

Please help me understand why most people think I am incapable of taking care of my house and garden. I have been single, successful and independent for a very long time.

Help me walk that fine line between kindness and intrusion.

– Unjustified aid

Dear Help: Many people view snow removal and yard work as expensive, even dangerous, and therefore ideal ways to spread kindness to neighbors and loved ones. Try not to view these actions as a loss of power. Anyone paving the way for you is unlikely to think you are incapable of taking care of yourself. Isn’t it more likely that they think that having a clear sidewalk or driveway makes life easier and provides more safety? This would be true for anyone, regardless of physical ability.

I would like to acknowledge that you wish to be consulted first, as is your right. Even if your neighbor’s son didn’t do this, I would say it was an innocent oversight. The snow needs to be cleared, and he may have just seen an opportunity. However, this does not prevent you from paying the other person if you have already budgeted the funds and know the other person needs the money. You received kindness without asking for anything in return and you can pass it on too.

Dear Eric: My daughter is getting married in October. The immediate family has rooms in the small local inn.

For many reasons, big and small, my husband and I no longer share the same room. On a busy wedding weekend, I especially need a good night’s sleep and the occasional quiet that comes with my own bedroom.

My daughter wants me to give my room to her friend. I said no. Am I being unreasonable? PS: We pay for everything.

– Mother of the bride

Dear Mother: My God, no, you are not unreasonable. Is this room the only one in town? Is the friend unable to stay on the street or on the street corner? I understand that it’s your daughter’s special day and she may want things that way, but it’s not like you’re using the second room for storing clothes. You have a need and you meet that need. And it will help you present yourself better for your daughter. But even if it was just because a good night’s sleep is what you need, that’s reason enough. There are many other options here. Sleep well.

Dear Eric: This is in response to “Game Play,” a letter from someone whose friend was suffering from cognitive decline. The letter writer said the decline was affecting the card game the group plays regularly.

I had a head injury a few years ago. It radically changed my life (not for the better). The friend may want to research brain injuries to learn more about what her friend is experiencing.

To be kind to the friend, offer to go to the doctor with her and take notes on what the doctor says. It may be difficult for the friend to understand and stressful to admit to the doctor.

Offer her rides to the places she needs to go. Additionally, if she drives or otherwise gets there, she may arrive somewhat exhausted and tired. As a group, figure out how to help her by arranging rides or setting up a carpool and perhaps paying so she can safely meet with the group.

Please continue to invite him to play. Social contact is essential for anyone, and it will also help him in continuing his health journey.

– I went there

Dear, I went there: These are great ways to think more deeply about how to show up for the friend. Continuing to include him in games is great, but it’s also important to remember that as his life and abilities change, so will the friendship.