My sister-in-law won’t let anyone hold her new baby. This seems extreme. Really ? | Family

My brother and sister-in-law have a new baby a few months old. My sister-in-law doesn’t let anyone hold the baby, even if grandparents on both sides of the family were allowed occasional shots. During family events, as soon as the baby lets out the slightest cry, his mother takes him to a room as far away from the others as possible. Usually they leave shortly after.

No one says anything to her, to avoid confrontation and the “new mom” factor, but only allow the baby contact with parents it looks like it will build problems later. It’s already difficult right now for everyone, including my brother. The natural tendency is to care for a very small baby. They’ve been like this for such a short time. Already everyone has been left behind – there is a sense of belonging and that we are all off limits. Even in the photos, she keeps the baby away from everyone. This seems extreme. Really ? How can I be united without fueling this extreme (if that is the case)?

Eléonore says: There could be so many different reasons why she made this choice. It could be an illness. Many parents limit visits or cuddles during the first few months; all it takes is for a parent to forget they have a cold or cold sore. It could be overstimulation. Maybe she doesn’t want to deal with the possible consequences of the baby being overwhelmed by multiple faces, noises, and smells. It could be anxiety; maybe being a parent all day, books and her postpartum imagination remind her of all the things that could go wrong. There might be medical things we don’t know about, emotional things we don’t know about. It could just be his preference. This decision could be completely neurotic or completely rational.

The only thing we know for sure is that this is the decision she (and your brother) made.

You might think, “I wish she wouldn’t do that when it costs all of us something so beautiful.” She might think, “I wish people wouldn’t expect me to do what’s beautiful for them when that means making myself or my child less comfortable.” »

Which one of you should accommodate the other? Natural response: it has to be what is best for the baby.

You write that there could be problems for the child later if nothing changes. Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know. Perhaps she will complicate the child by clinging too tightly. Or maybe a parent with the flu will kiss the baby. Maybe she has too anxious a grip on the baby and will be a better parent if she loosens it. Or maybe she’s trying to teach herself and her child that you don’t have to do what your family wants. I really don’t know who is right, because we don’t know the full reasoning.

But how we interact with a parent’s decision doesn’t just depend on who is right. There are many ways things could be better for a child if their parents did things differently. Less screen time, less indulgence, see more of that side of the family, teach them like that instead. Many of us think that being a parent will cause problems, and sometimes we are wrong. All the time, it’s not our child.

She may be wrong about what is best for the baby. But parents have the right to be wrong. They are mostly allowed to make mistakes out of caution.

If she becomes an anxious parent in a way that you consider extreme, it’s always worth keeping in mind the distinction between emotional truths that would be good for someone to know and emotional truths that we should be the ones to point out. There will be doctors and daycares in this child’s life who can help them with any problems. What might she and her child need that they can only get from your side of the family?

What I’m really hearing is that you feel hurt to be so left out and treated like a threat. Maybe it’s your relationship with her that you’re trying to change, not the person who’s going to hold the baby. What is going on between you that you want more involvement than she is willing to give? If your answer is “she’s too anxious,” she probably sensed that you were thinking that. Anxiety doesn’t respond very well to being told it’s a mistake; it responds to the feeling of security. Building a closer relationship can be as simple as trying to find out what she wants most at that moment and trying to give her that, rather than helping her in a way that you think is right.

Ask Eléonore a question