My daughter is going to college. How can I support her – and cope with this loss? | Life and style

I’m single mother of an 18 year old daughter. It’s always been just the two of us, and we have a very open, supportive and healthy relationship.

She goes far at university in the new year and has recently developed a new friendship group I know less than his old friends. They all seem friendly, look out for each other, and don’t to leave someone goes home alone, etc. At first, I found it particularly worrying that she was out late with her friends. It took me a few days to get used to this new part of life, but we talked and I I made him understand that it was only me who was worried about his safety – I think she felt that I was annoyed with her. I just worry, although I really appreciate her keeping me informed of her whereabouts, and I know a lot of 18 year olds wouldn’t be so open.

Now friend becomes boyfriend and stays with us. He It seems very fast and I have difficulty taking it This empty nest comes more suddenly than me to wait forI miss Ed and her even though she’s not gone yet.

I know I have no control. I know I just have to be there for her and keep communication channels open. But should I do more? i guess there are two problems: is it okay for her? and how to get through this period?

This is a major transition for both of you, but while for your daughter it seems to be about new experiences and “gains”, for you it seems more about loss. The reality is that it’s about letting go of the old, accepting the new, and sitting with feelings that may be uncomfortable for both of you.

It sounds like you have a very good relationship and have given your daughter a solid foundation to soar from, which is an essential next step. Her feeling that she can leaving the house is also good news. Some children feel they can’t do this because they feel their parents are too vulnerable or needy. As for the boyfriend, are you comfortable with him staying at your house? You have a say here, just as you would any other friend staying with you.

So the answer to your first question: “Is she okay?” » is a firm yes. She seems competent and sensible, but it’s important that she doesn’t feel responsible for your happiness. It’s up to you to manage, and I speak like an Italian mom. Otherwise, she might stop coming to you if something worries her, just as she will worry about your worry.

I went to see Sarah Calvert, a UKCP registered psychotherapist, who thought it was important to understand that this separation was healthy: “This is exactly what needs to happen even if it feels uncomfortable for both of you. She wondered if you had taken the time “to identify exactly what you’re worried about? Is it anxiety about her safety? A feeling of loss of control? Maybe fear of what life is like when it’s just the two of us? Understanding your own fears is an important first step.”

This will also help you distinguish between tasks you need to work on and real concerns about something that might not work. If you can, say these fears out loud to a trusted friend. When we don’t want to sit with uncomfortable feelings, it’s easy to push them away or “do” rather than think. So it’s definitely worth being brave and thinking about the issues Calvert raises.

“I encourage you to have an open and honest conversation with your daughter about the type of relationship she would like to have with you now,” she says. “What does she need from you as she goes through this stage. As she builds her independence, she will still need and benefit from your love and support, just in a different form.”

We would both like you to think about the opportunities this next phase might bring. “What are your own needs and wants outside of parenting? » asks Calvert. “If you rely heavily on this relationship with your daughter for your emotional needs, it’s worth exploring, for both your well-being and hers.”

Think about what brings you joy at the moment, take it slow, reach out to your friends. Expect days that seem heavier than others, but know that they will pass. This is an exciting new chapter in your mother/daughter relationship, and it is by no means the end of the story.

Each week, Annalisa Barbieri tackles a personal issue sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets not being able to enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.