Dear Eric: One of my best friends, who is a lesbian, has just met a girl two weeks ago and they already said “I love you”. The other girl seems really charming, and my friend is very happy, which makes me happy!
Not only does this change very quickly, but the other girl has just released a commitment in June. It seems clear that she always treats this because when I met her, she spent most of the time talking about all her problems with her ex. Pass from being engaged to one person to another to another that you love them, in the space of two months, seems shocking to me.
How should I feel? Should I feel a certain way? Do I just have to support my friend and see how it goes?
– Prudent friend
Dear friend: There are times when support means going with the flow and hope the best. But there are other moments when support means removing your friend and saying: “It seems a little too much; I care about you and I have concerns. ” You are in this last situation. Expressing his concerns or prudence will not prevent him from being in love and, when it is properly transmitted, will not make your friend feel that you do not support her. It is important to emphasize that you don’t tell him to do anything. You just think about what you see. The perspective and another series of eyes can be a gift, even if it does not have the same view.
Love, in particular early love, can be like driving a car on an empty desert road, where you do not realize how speed you go until you look at the speedometer. Without monuments or other cars, it is difficult to assess. In the field of love, friends can be another car on the road. You do not embark on the driver’s seat and do not cut the tires. You drive next to her and asking, “Did you know that it was fast?” What would happen if you slow down and appreciate the view a little?
She can say that it is not her style or not necessary. It’s very good. It’s not up to you to control it, and you don’t have to feel a certain way in all aspects of its relationship. What is most important is that she knows that she has someone looking for her and who sees it and hears it.
Dear Eric: All my life, I am proud to be the soldier of peace, the one who smoothes tensions, avoids conflicts and tries to make sure that everyone feels heard. I have always thought that kindness and flexibility are strengths, and I really don’t like confrontation.
However, in adulthood, this approach did not always serve me well. Some of my closest friends, people who hold me deeply, told me that my efforts to maintain peace appear indecisive or even without spin. They say that I “soothe too much” or “do not take a position”. It is painful to hear, because I do not try to be passive – I try to be considerate.
I don’t want to disturb anyone, but I find that I do it sometimes, just trying not to do it. How can I remain faithful to whom I am, someone who values harmony, while being considered someone with a backbone? Is there a way to be more assertive without causing an offense?
– A soldier of peace in the soul
Dear Peace Career: This may seem counter-intuitive, but if you focus on preserving your own peace and pursuing the harmony you want, you can start to appear as more assertive. Currently, you can be too focused on what others need and want – peacekeeping often requires putting aside your own needs in the interest of focusing on what others or a group are demanding.
Even with regard to these comments you have obtained, you always find yourself trying to change because of what others say or do.
You cannot make others happy or prevent them from being offended by being more or less affirmative. It becomes an endless loop to try to match the expectations of others. So I suggest you get out of the loop.
Part of the search for a harmonious environment is to recognize when the environment is not ready or willing to be harmonious. If you stay in an uncomfortable place for you in order to reduce confrontation, it could be read as a spinlessness. I don’t think that is necessarily the case, but I think you could assume too much responsibility for the behavior of others. You cannot make others happy or harmonious or remove them from the conflict. You can only do it by yourself. If you focus on how you want to behave and the spaces and relationships that suit you, you will find a better balance.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askinric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and register for his weekly newsletter at Rercthomas.com.)
