I participated in the surprise match against the Celtics coaches. It became a nightmare
BOSTON — I didn’t wake up Tuesday thinking the Boston Celtics coaches were going to deliver the most humiliating basketball moment of my life. From what I knew, members of the local media were scheduled to play a game against each other on center field in Auerbach. That was the original plan until head coach Joe Mazzulla revealed otherwise after his team’s practice earlier this afternoon.
“I don’t want to tell you this,” Mazzulla said, “but you don’t play against each other. You play against the coaches.”
If Mazzulla was serious (it turned out he was), I recognized that severe pain was going to happen to me – and not just because at 38, my knees and back no longer function properly. The Celtics coaching staff is full of great players. Sam Cassell, Phil Pressey and Amile Jefferson competed in the NBA. Mazzulla and Da’Sean Butler were two of the best players on a West Virginia team that beat DeMarcus Cousins and John Wall en route to the NCAA Final Four. Tony Dobbins has won the Defensive Player of the Year award three times in France’s top professional league. DJ MacLeay played on a Bucknell team that reached the NCAA tournament as a 13th seed. You’ve probably heard of God Shammgod, the ancient legend of Providence. His son, Celtics assistant God Shammgod Jr., played at Division II Fairmont State. Unlike the writers, the coaches stay in tip-top shape, training Celtics players and competing in regular games.
A 13 seed may not seem like much, but Celtics writers only get seeds when we order all the bagels. Most of us have all the athletic qualities of a leather sofa. Even the few of us who once played basketball at a decent level (and I use that term liberally) did so a long time ago and now drink more beer than we should. Our only chance of maintaining at least a respectable score would have been if the coaches had let us. And that’s not exactly Mazzulla’s style. He presented himself like he was back in the Final Four, demanding that his assistant coaches trap us all over the court all game long.
Celtics coaches lead media 36-2!
–@CLNSMedia pic.twitter.com/35OS47knZJ– Celtics on CLNS (@CelticsCLNS) October 14, 2025
“Get up!” Mazzulla screamed every time he felt one of the trainers let go. They put pressure on us all over the pitch for the whole match, which fortunately only lasted 12 minutes. It was the only merciful part.
We lost 57-4. Yes, 57-4. I’m pretty sure we only crossed half court with the basketball once in the first six minutes of the game — and, on that play, Mazzulla stripped me naked before I could get to the basket. I don’t remember if the coaches scored in transition on the ensuing possession, but they probably did. They scored at will. And when they didn’t score on their first opportunity, they usually grabbed the offensive rebound and converted on their second opportunity. At one point, after Mazzulla started yelling “3s” at the other coaches, they started looking only for outside shots. Their decision not to chase layups and dunks could have helped us. Instead, they just rained down 3-pointers from all over the court.
How did we only score four points? It was probably a miracle that we scored that many. The talent gap between the two teams was like the difference between the sun and a 40 watt light bulb. Applying constant pressure all over the court, the coaches tried to run up the score as much as they could. When we dribbled, they came at us from all directions to push the ball away. When we passed, their weapons seemed to be everywhere. Even when we were successful in converting passes, we were usually two or three seconds away from our next turnover. They trapped, stalked and beat us the entire time we were on the ground. Even though Cassell didn’t play (at 55 he probably wouldn’t want to play that much full-court defense anyway), they only put high-level players on the court. If just one of them had played against us, he would have controlled the entire game. But with them all on the opposite side, they hit us like the Kansas City Chiefs dismantled 8-year-olds during a drill in Oklahoma.
Mazzulla clearly wanted to trample us. Maybe he wanted a chance to punish us after having to answer all our questions over the years. Maybe he wanted to see how we reacted when we were attacked by real basketball players (not good). Maybe he wanted to put as much spotlight on the Jr. Celtics Academy as possible, which was why the team held a media pickup game in the first place.
Or maybe Mazzulla simply saw the event as another chance to compete and couldn’t curb his legendary toughness. After a Pressey 3-pointer extended the Coaches’ lead to 47 points with 1:32 to play, Mazzulla cheered as if his team had just moved within a game of the NBA Finals. And when Shammgod Jr. hit a buzzer-beating shot from nearly half-court, Mazzulla pumped his fist as if he’d beaten the Los Angeles Lakers. This shot gave the coaches a 53-point victory.
Celtics coaches vs. Celtics media
(wait for the final score) pic.twitter.com/q5SeqH0jVu
– Taylor Snow (@taylorcsnow) October 14, 2025
It happened as Celtics players, including Jaylen Brown, watched from above the court. When the embarrassment was over, Brown called us laughing: “Anyone want to do media?”
No thanks. I would prefer to never talk about this game again, but unfortunately, I am already learning that this shame will stay with me for a long time, if not forever. After the final score was shared on social media, many of my friends contacted me to let me know how pathetic I was.
“This is disgusting, man,” one texted.
“The Kid should be ashamed,” wrote another, referring to me by a nickname.
Know that whatever you think of the ugliest loss of my life, my own thoughts will be harsher. I showed up to the Celtics practice facility hoping to get some buckets against the other writers and went home to a boost from the coaching staff.
