I have a paralyzing fear of judgment and to be perceived negatively. Having grown up in a household where mockery was the norm, I believe that it left a lasting mark on my psyche who scared me to act for fear of mockery, contempt or negative judgment. I think it seriously slowed down my social and romantic life, preventing myself from establishing friendships and lasting relationships. I can’t wait to break but gnawing fear holds me back.
I spend my days and my hours uninvailled in my house and alone. Above all, this fear does not overcome me when I work and in fact I am comfortable leading large groups of people and to meet new people. I think it is because when I am at work, I know where I am and I have a specific objective in mind. However, in my personal life whenever I tried to adopt a similar state of mind, he failed. How can I overcome this fear?
Eleanor says:: There are all kinds of things that we could whisper in our brain to appease the fear of being judged. You can emphasize that almost no one looks at you; Most of the time, people are too wrapped in themselves. You can emphasize that you already know that you are competent, the way you walk along at work; There is probably not much has laughs at you. You can type and soothe your brain with evidence that the thing he is afraid is very, very unlikely.
Another accent is to tell you: you know what, it could happen. People might think you are wrong, or insane or cringing teeth. They could laugh at something you have done. They could talk about you when you’re not in the room.
Now what?
Would they be correct, because they think that? Would their point of view on this subject matter more than yours? Are they looking at you somehow that you have to admire them? Would that make you want to go to them to get advice, or hope you might look more like them?
Or would they still be, in final accounts, just a guy?
It can be so difficult to see that when you grew up without reassurance. Each any new rejection can feel as frightening as this first rejection of people who were supposed to make you feel safe. But these people are not your parents or superiors. Even your parents were not your superiors. All those who could make fun of you are just a guy whose views of you are no more important than yours.
A sentence has been fully formed in my head once many years ago when I had knots to avoid being judged sexist: “The punishments would be easier to bear than the things we do to avoid them.” You pay with your life to avoid making fun. Does this price are worth?
Of course, you don’t think so. Like most of us who have already avoided things for fear of the reactions of others, I know that you do not really classify mockery as more important than to live your life. None of us think that it is worth sacrificing freedom and romance and friendships to guarantee that we will not make fun. It’s just that fear creates protective habits and protective habits make us act with our values. The greater the fear, the greater the habit, the more the distortion is worse.
Therapy can help you put your actions online with your judgments on what you really appreciate.
You have at least one space – work – where fear leaves you alone and you can act without incident. A good therapist could help you say more about the reasons why this role of work feels free. They could help you bring this feeling to the rest of life. I know that therapy is expensive and mastered, but it seems that you really suffer from living with this fear. If you get professional help for a physical symptom that has caused so much suffering, it is logical to obtain professional help for emotional aid.
It took a lot of courage to write this letter. Another type of courage could be to enhance your own judgments on yourself than that of others.
Ask Eleanor a question
