I have been in a wedding without sex for 35 years. What can I do? | Australian lifestyle

I have been married for 38 years. Three years after our marriage, my wife told me that sex was out of the question because she had married me for the company and not lust. We have two daughters of these first three years. It was his choice to have children. I really like my wife and my daughters. Since then, we have had no sexual intercourse, in fact, no sexual game of any type. She told me that she had no interest and despite years of demand and years of suggestion of advice, she did not accept either. I am totally destroyed by all this, but I do not see any line of conduct. What can I do?

Eleanor says: Three options on how sex appears in the rest of your life: you and your wife have sex; You have sex with someone who is not your wife; You never have sex again. There are no options in addition to these.

In what position to be! It’s not just about missing sex. It is a question of feeling as if your well-being does not matter much. This is to say that you cannot have something precious for you, then to feel lascif or basic to assess it even. No wonder you felt destroyed, without something that can make us feel so vital and free, without recognizing how it affects you.

You mentioned asking and suggesting advice. What about – I’m sorry to be daring – a right curiosity about what she likes?

Often, when we try to explain the disinterest of a hetero woman for sex, we go to slightly pathologized explanations such as body image, trauma, hormones or pelvic problems. Surprisingly low on the list is the hypothesis that so far, sex has not felt good. A variety of bummers conspires to do a lot of unwavering heterosexual sex. A variety of additional Bummers conspire to make it difficult to say. Consequently, many women who have no barriers to enjoy sex nevertheless find that they never want it, because the “sex” has come to mean “”An unshakable experience in which I feel alienated from my body and under the pressure of politeness to pretend. ” Difficult to explain what it is a miserable feeling. I really imagine pretending to be excited by the penetration that you do not appreciate. Imagine the invitation to do so again.

Of course, I don’t know if it happens for your wife. Even if this is the case, that does not mean that you are a bad or negligent lover or that you have done something wrong. Part of the tragedy is that even with An attentive maximum partner, many women do not have knowledge or self-authorization to say Which might feel good. You cannot share what you can’t even express yourself. Our collective sexual landscape is so mean and negligent for heterosexual women that it can end up feeling easier to say “no touch” to your decades monogamous spouse than to wonder what type of contact could be pleasant. Talk about perverts.

If – Large if – it plays a role for your wife, things only change if she gets a reason to hope that sex could be different. A person who never wants to do something again is a completely confident person of what this activity will look like.

There are excellent books and podcasts and applications, if the advice is too far away. But the very first step could be to change the goal. You can’t have the impression that “sex” is the goal. She decided that she didn’t want sex, so if each conversation feels like an attempt to get there, she has no reason to join us. The goal could simply be understanding. “I want us to really get along, whatever we decide to do.” She may not understand everything about you, in addition to “lust” – a desire that many of us are raised to consider a vice. For you, sex could be a way to say that I feel safe with you, I want you, I trust you – but you might not understand what is sex. This gap in understanding could be the reason why it seems desperate. Filling this gap can be its own form of intimacy.

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