Alec Baldwin says he had suicidal thoughts after charges were filed a second time in the fatal shooting on the set of his film Rust.
The actor appeared in the final episode of Dopey: On the dark comedy of drug addiction, a podcast hosted by Dave Manheim, where he talked about his struggle with some dark thoughts during this time.
Baldwin said he was in a tough place mentally after it was announced he was going to be charged a second time in the fatal shooting of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins on the set of Rust in 2021. (The case was ultimately dismissed and he cannot be retried.) Baldwin said he was concerned about the impact it was having on his family.
“The people I worried about the most, the people I suffered the most for, were my wife and my children,” he said. “Because my kids saw me sitting in the corner, you know, I couldn’t even move.”
Baldwin said there was a period where he took a nap every day for a year due to his mental state.
“And I don’t want to dwell on it, I just want to say that it has been very painful for my wife and my family, my sisters and brothers, etc., my colleagues. …And I can tell you that it has broken every nerve in my body, spiritually, financially… work-wise, my career, my wife, my children, my friends, my health. I mean, what it has done to my health. I mean, if I told you what my health has been like since the 21st October 2021…it took 10 years of my life It took at least 10 years of my life,” he added, highlighting the date of the fatal shooting.
Baldwin said he was able to get through it thanks to his wife, Hilaria, and his family, but not before some really dark thoughts took over.
“When you get to the point where you say, ‘I don’t want to wake up another day, I’m going to go’ – I swear to God, I mean, talk about it, and I really don’t like it because talking about suicide and killing yourself are two such profoundly separate things. I think a lot of people, I think countless people think to commit suicide and end their lives, and very few do. And for me, I remember, I used to lay in bed and be like, “Oh my God, I can’t wake up another day and have it be the same.” It’s the same thing every day. And I can’t do it. And yet, somehow, I found faith in God to, you know, not kill myself tomorrow. Let’s wait another day.
Baldwin also said he thought the production was following regulations set by Hollywood guilds, but New Mexico prosecutors “came in and said, ‘Oh no, no, these rules don’t apply here, and we have our own rules here and this is what applies here. So we’re going to take you to court over these rules.’ …No one came to see me the first week, we were handling guns the first week. No one came to tell me anything else. It was after the fact. All the rules were changed after the fact, and that scared me a lot. I thought they were going to make it up as they went along.
He added that New Mexico prosecutors “wanted their names in the newspapers. That’s what they wanted. And I mean, thank God for this judge who called them and said, you know, what you’re doing is wrong.”
In the same interview, the topic turned to President Trump, who Baldwin played in Saturday evening live for four years. Baldwin admitted that he didn’t “want to play Trump every weekend for four years” but did so because of his friendship with SNL mastermind Lorne Michaels.
“Overall it was a good experience. Those first two years were glorious, but you look at the people who get made fun of SNL. Comedy is now about mockery. It’s all mockery,” he said, pointing out that very few comedians aren’t “mean-minded,” citing Ray Romano as an example. But, he said, a lot of comedy these days veers toward the “negative.”
“But you look at Trump. And you say: Trump is a human being,” Baldwin said. “Now, don’t I agree with Trump on everything? I don’t agree with Trump on everything. I don’t agree with him on everything you can imagine. But at the same time, he’s a human being, and his mistake was when he was hurt, when he was hurt, when he was fired, when he was made fun of, when he was exposed or whatever, one way or another, he was mistreated, what was his response? And that’s the lesson for all of us. What’s your response? Did you just get up, clean yourself up and move on?
“I mean, Trump is a person who thought, ‘You all have a problem. All of you who are making these comments about me, you’re the one who’s wrong. I don’t deserve any of this.’ Trump does not believe he deserves everything he has been accused of. Now, has he been abused in any way or has this been too much. Maybe, I don’t know. I mean, I think Trump has a very unique place in our history, but at the same time, I think we have to walk that line. Trump is a human being.”
Baldwin remembers attending a dinner and sharing his belief that comedy about Trump was “over” — not because it’s scary, but because “it’s just over.”
“What else can you say? If you’re still watching a late-night talk show and laughing at Trump jokes, there’s something wrong with you,” Baldwin said. “All we have to do is just prepare for the next election, prepare for the midterm elections. That’s all you have to focus on. Fuck Trump. He’s going to leave. … And Trump, if he had just an ounce of self-awareness, how different things could have been.”
