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Come to me, Bro | Notice

Recently, Harvard’s administration has embarked on an admirable strategy that could be summarized as: “We are going to fight against the United States District Court for the Massachusetts District. We will fight in interviews with sweet Jewish doctors with the Wall Street newspaper. We will fight in the public opinion by taking subtly. ”

It’s hard to say what approach, exactly, would land with the Trump administration. Some have argued that Maga law respects only self -respect, and that to win against Trump, we have to get up and be strong. (This has not yet worked.) Some maintain that there is no way to win, and universities must swallow major concessions in order to maintain their funding. (So ​​far, it hasn’t worked either.)

I propose an alternative strategy: I will fight the Secretary of Education Linda E. McMahon in a television match in cage, whose winner obtains $ 2.7 billion in federal subsidies and the power to maintain or destroy the continuous technological and economic success of America. Secretary, I hope you have brought your booth.

Linda – Can I call you Linda? – I spent weeks trying to get into the head. My Google Docs are strewn with abandoned drafts for each time you have promised that it is really that, you really take the funding of Harvard this time, not please notice me, here are $ 60 million.

But I met the failure. It may be because I did not get married at 17, or because I have never witnessed my husband to have my head shaved by Donald Trump on national television, or because my educational experience is more in the first-class, rather than distributing carnets of carriage cards. In one way or another, I have never been able to understand how you think.

So far.

Secretary, you have spent almost three decades as WWE, where you orchestrated glasses such as “The Undertaker against Kane: Wrestlemania XIV” and “WWF Badd Blood: in your home”. Just say that you respect a good fight. And so I say: come to me, my brother.

In my Jewish name, you and those around you destroy research on cancer and heart disease, threatened to essentially deport my friends and tried to increase the tax burden of Harvard fifteen times. Stop it. Put this. Let’s install it as organic women: Knock-Down, TKO, Cage Match.

Each of us will get a backup. I choose Joe Blitzstein, he’s huge. You can have the Kristi Noem internal security secretary; I will be sure to hide my dog. If the Harvardians are really Libs, you say that we are, you are certainly not afraid to throw your hands.

Some might say that putting someone in a lock in the figure-four has little relevance to “fight against anti-Semitism” or “encourage the common sense reforms of disciplinary procedures and ideological biases in hiring”. However, I would say that the choreographed physical violence has more or less to do with the problems at hand as the current research funding strategy via Twitter Diatibes and Canva Graphics. Cut the political kayfabe. Do you want to make us bleed? So why not just throw us a chair.

I know, I know, that all this is really because Harvard is the symbol of everyone’s least favorite concept: the elite. But why don’t we make this metaphor for the literal punching bag? I understand if Lucha Libre is too ethnic for you; Anarchy in the arena works too.

Currently, as my (non -Marxist) friend of me wisely stressed: “It is like in primary school when a person does not clean the snack so that they take a snack for everyone.” We do not need to engage in this ridiculous collective punishment, which, if anything, is more similar to a person does not clean the snack, so they demolish the part of the class where this child never plays anyway. I promise you, the people of the “free Palestine” do not spend their full time in the Lab Protzoa.

And I know, I know, you like the song where you are like “I work tirelessly to protect Jewish students abandoned by the enraged anti -Semitic Alan Garber !!!” But let me tell you, Missy, when you threaten to expel my co-conspirator by writing the weekly newsletter of the Shabbat joke, with the Israelis literals with which I practice my literal Hebrew on Wednesday morning, then you really start to lose the credibility you have left.

Enough that’s enough (it’s enough). I will see you on the carpet.

Yona T. Sperling-Milner ’27, an assistant editor-in-chief, is a social study concentrator at Cabot House. Like secretary McMahon, She too wonders sometimes“Why is there So much hatred?“???

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