Bored friend to participate in the evacuation of friends during the Fire – New York Daily News
Dear Eric: I have been friends with “Bill” for over 25 years. When the fire started in the Pacific Palisades, we had to evacuate our house. My wife and I went to a condo of a friend for two nights, then to another couple for four nights, then we went to Bill and to the guest house of his wife, who is separated from the main house.
We bought dinner for the four of us in a good restaurant and we tried to stay away as much as possible. (I should note, they had welcomed another couple the first nights after the fire before our arrival a few days later.)
Bill and I often go to sporting events together. While I was with him for the Super Bowl this year, he said to me, “You know, we really don’t like you to stay with us. We were annoyed to have you after the other couple had moved, but we felt obliged. ” I was shocked because we never had a dispute in 25 years of friendship.
I didn’t say anything at the time, but since the Super Bowl, I haven’t contacted it or communicated. My wife is very angry with them. (We sent them a “thank you” gift package a week after our departure. Fortunately, our house was spared damage, and we came back.) He did not contacted me either, but sometimes we go for a while without calling ourselves.
I really don’t want to end a friendship for so long. I debate to tell him that I was surprised, I was angry and I was injured by his statements, or say nothing and see if he contacted me as if everything was “normal”. What do you think?
– Buried friendship
Dear friendship: Bill’s response is insensitive. I just can’t imagine saying something like that to a friend. It is human to feel annoyed when it was stretched thin or stressed, but everyone can agree that fires were devastating and called everyone to appear for each other and for the region.
I understand the difficult position in which you are. You have been good friends for a long time. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who considered me an obligation if necessary. But you can extend the grace that he has not extended to you.
In an ideal world, he would apologize. But it seems that there are other things with him and his wife, so it is unlikely that you get him. However, if you want to recover friendship, you can reach out and tell him that you want to go beyond that, and you hope it will do it too.
Make sure you continue to communicate with your wife while you do this. If Bill is so willing to treat you badly in an emergency, there may be other ways that friendship does not serve you. She could see them and help you avoid them. It could also be completely finished with Bill. But, if you wish, you can return to sports outings, an occasional conversation and any other part of the friendship that raises you.
Dear Eric: My best friend over 35 is the decline to attend my son’s wedding. Her apologies for not coming are a hiking trip still a little planned in Europe (it would be her fourth in less than two years), and work, from which she can easily come out. It is my only child who will ever get married, and marriage is in her ancient hometown where she always has her family and friends. It is an easy flight. This friend remains with us three to four times a year for several weeks when she works in town. My husband and I were allowed to invite four couples. Even my brothers and sisters are not invited!
I am incredibly injured that she even plans not to come. For me, it has already caused a change in my feelings to her. I haven’t told him about him yet, but I don’t intend to do it. Are my feelings unreasonable?
– Mother of the groom’s gloomy
Dear mother: your feelings are completely reasonable. This is a special opportunity, and rare for that, and it is reasonable that you wanted someone who means that many are present. Talk to him, starting with “I” statements. “I felt injured when you said you were not sure to come to the wedding. It would really mean a lot to have you there. Can you help me understand what’s going on? ” Maybe she doesn’t realize how much it means for you. Maybe she doesn’t like weddings. Perhaps there is more in the European hiking trip. She may not change her mind, but that’s not the goal to speak to her. The goal is to prevent your feelings from staying in bottle and transforming into resentment.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askinric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and register for his weekly newsletter at Rercthomas.com.)
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