After three years apart, my partner and I don’t know if we should stay together | Family
My partner and I are professionals in their early thirties. We have been together since five years, and long distance for the last three, but we just moved back in together.
While we were remote, we both had difficulties in OUR work. She had important exams, and it’s taken plenty of time to launch my career. Ohtowards the last year, ohyour relationship has become tenseand it feels as if weI separated. NOW it feels as if we weren’t friends, let alone partners. It’s complicated by our shifts. Although we live together we still barely see each other.
Weyou are both enthusiastic understand things, but I don’t really know how has stay together. When our relationship works, it’s phenomenal, and I I miss the easy company, love and sense of adventure this now seem to be missing. Any advice to help us move forward together would be greatly appreciated.
My first question was: what makes you want to stay? I wonder if the relationship has run its course, but the time away has made you feel that now that you’re back together you need to make it work? You say it’s phenomenal when it works, but how long ago was that?
Susanna Abse, a psychoanalytic psychotherapist and relationship expert (and author of a great book called Tell Me The Truth About Love) initially thought that “it is extremely difficult for couples to be in a long-distance relationship. Unless people have a strong emotional need to maintain their sense of separation and autonomy.” [and some people do]then separations are generally experienced as painful and disruptive and, over time, can lead to a reduction in the bond of attachment between a couple.
Abse went on to explain that “just as children react strongly to separations from their parents, couples often do too. Children who are securely attached to their parents protest the separation and may turn away angrily when the parent returns. Parents may feel hurt by their children’s reaction, but we hope to respond by persuading them to get closer again. But between two adults, it can be more complicated.”
That’s when anger and arguments come into play. “In my experience,” Abse continues, “long-awaited reunions between romantic partners often end in an argument, because the person who was left behind is not emotionally ready to reconnect, and the person who left is extremely disappointed not to be greeted with unalloyed joy! Although arguments may seem difficult, they can also provide an opportunity to work on feelings, but instead of rowing, some couples suppress their feelings and withdraw.”
Abse felt that you might fall into the latter category: “To reconnect, you will need to return to your relationship, recognize its importance, and explore together what the breakups really felt like for both of you. Perhaps you both used your work as a refuge, which is not conducive to a close, committed relationship.”
The last few years seem very intense on a professional level. I wonder if you both need to find some stability – regardless of whether you’re in a relationship – to acclimate to where you are. I also wonder how balanced your relationship was, when you were living together, when you separated, and now. Did one of you compromise more or hold more power? Even now, in this disconnected time, you must have episodes where you get along better. When and where is it?
Abse thought you’d benefit from a vacation together to “see how you feel if you make room for this relationship. You might discover what lies behind your unspoken ‘decisions’ not to make your relationship your priority.”
I think a vacation, or at least some time on neutral ground, would help you see what’s left of your relationship and what you want to keep. I had the image of two people who were very professionally motivated, but personally working in opposite directions. Some couples therapy might help figure out what you both really want and, if that happens, actually involve each other.
Each week, Annalisa Barbieri tackles a personal issue sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets not being able to enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
