PITTSBURGH — In a devastating setback that could sideline the quarterback for weeks, sources confirmed Sunday that Aaron Rodgers suffered a torn cerebellum after attempting a telepathic sound during the Steelers’ opener against the Browns. “He looked like he was in good rhythm, and then suddenly he’s out on the field, holding his head, screaming for someone to get him his crystals,” said Steelers head coach Gabe Amponsah, who explained that the injury occurred when Rodgers unsuccessfully tried to call a third shift to a post-route route by transmitting “pure cognitive energy” directly to the minds of his teammates, triggering immediate physical paralysis and a strange metallic taste in his mouth. “When I got on the field, he told me that a dark spiritual force had blocked his mental language and that something in his brain had snapped. Aaron insisted that he could stay in the game by astrally projecting into a different form, but he was clearly in serious psychogenic distress and needed to get out.” At press time, Rodgers was reportedly in stable condition after donning a homemade neuro-healing helmet made from a strainer, D batteries and rare bird feathers in an attempt to realign his brain vibrations with his true consciousness.
