My partner misled me about wanting a family, but I am desperate to have children | Life and style

I was very clear to want a family early In our relationship, but after two and a half years, my partner admitted that he did not want children. This is the best relationship I had – it is nice, patient, united, and we have the best sex.

We are both anxious people with avoidance problems, but I felt safe and darling until last year, when I discovered that he had cheated. He said it was an attempt to “escape”. I was deeply shocked. I ended the relationship, but he begged another chance and I accepted an ultimatum: engaging in Live together, get a dog And start a family (things I told him I wanted very early). He accepted the first two, But said he needed more time for the last.

I am 38 years old and I asked on several occasions the honesty on the children, fearing the same sorrow that I felt with my ex-Husband. However, he kept it ambiguous, only to finally admit that he does not want children but It’s afraid of getting lost. I respect that it is his decision, but I am injured and angry to be misleading.

I am an artist on tour, which makes the start of a family difficult, and it is impossible to do it alone. I fear that if I cannot make music – vital for my emotional and financial wellI can succumb to depression and repeat the dark fate of My parents.

After years of meeting, I can’t find someone I have a lot in common with who a family wants. The idea of finishing alone and childless terrifies me. I try to think Of an alternative solution but, if I am honest, something other than having a family with the person you love and who loves you in return looks like a compromise.

I’m really sorry that you lied. I feel that your inner voice shouted on you, but somewhere along the line, you have learned to reason with your feelings. This man does not seem to be the one for you. He lied and he cheated and you deserve better than rushing around “good songs” to convince you in one way or other that you have to do this work. You don’t do it.

When you are in a situation that seems stuck, it is impossible to imagine solutions, or a better lived life. I consulted the relational therapist Joanna Harrison, who said: “I can see that wherever you look at, I have the impression that there is mourning to do [for your parents’ depression, your ex-marriage, your current situation]. You look like someone who fights alone, and maybe it was essential to the parents who were depressed. »»

I wonder if you could look for therapy to unravel the sons of your past life with someone who is “on your side”, and to explore the loops that continue to repeat. Harrison and I also asked if your current relationship only seemed “kind and united” compared to the previous ones. If this is the case, there are other poorer and more favorable relationships that you could still endure.

Harrison added: “A longitudinal study of parents showed that in a sample of couples who had a baby when there had been a strong difference in views of having a baby, in any case, couples had separated when their first child went to primary school. It is very painful to lose the relationship and make this decision.”

But I would add that it would be easier in the long term than an unsatisfactory compromise. Also, why should you alone make compromises? This would consume you in a different way. As your inner voice says: you have to try.

You might meet the right person for you. In the meantime, you have said in your longer letter that you were open to alternatives, such as co-parenting, or a less nuclear-family option. “”He believes that it would be mean for yourself not to explore these options at least, “said Harrison.” It may not be what you choose, but it can be useful to explore what these different ways of doing would mean for you. “”

You can also find this article of Guardian interest, as well as my podcasts, if I should have a baby? and hope and loss.

Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent by a reader. If you want Annasaa advice, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Analisa regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to Our terms and conditions. Annasa’s latest series of the podcast is available here.

The comments on this piece are pre-model to ensure that the discussion remains on the subjects raised by the article. Please note that there may be a short delay in the comments appearing on the site.