When someone trusts you enough to come to you, it is essential to choose the words you answer with care and think. “Empathy is, at that time, the most important tool that you must be an ally and be there for the person you love who opens you,” explains Max Talisman, Queer filmmaker, actor and founder of Malibu, Bro Productions. “Letting them know that you hear them is everything At that time.
To point out that they have all your attention, do not interrupt your friend or your family member while they speak, he adds. Unless they ask you a question, “let them speak,” says Talisman. “Do not intervene and do not make jokes. It is a question of showing love and respect.”
We asked a brief voice handful in the LGBTQ + community exactly what to say when someone who is close to your heart comes to you.
“SO?”
When people go out, they are always the same person as they were five minutes or a few hours or a few days before this monumental moment. If anything, they are more themselves. This is why it is so important that those who receive to clearly indicate that they do not go anywhere. When Talisman came out to his parents, the first thing his mother said to him was: “So?”
“It was the most soothing thing she could have said, because it meant that it hadn’t changed anything,” he recalls. “It was the same with my father. It hasn’t changed anything for them. I was always their son, and they always loved me so much. ”
“Thank you for being you.”
You might thank your friend for opening you to you. But Talisman prefers to put a trick on it and, rather thanking them for being them. You could say it like this: “I love the person you are, and I am grateful to be here with you when you are more authentic than you have ever been.”
Thank your friend is a much better approach than telling them that you are not surprised by their news. It is a common response when someone goes out, says Talisman, and he does not understand why some people feel obliged to say it. “It adds nothing right now, and in fact, you almost remove this moment of vulnerability because you” knew “all the time,” he said.
“I love you and support you.”
As Lutheran deacon, Ross Murray, vice-president of education and training at the Glaad Media Institute, spends a lot of time working with LGBTQ +adolescents. He has repeatedly seen what is happening when young people find it difficult to find home support after getting out, and this can be disastrous. Up to 40% of young people who experience homelessness identify like LGBTQ +, he underlines.
Find out more: 14 things to say in addition to “I love you”
This is why, if you are the parent of someone who has just told you that they are strange, it is crucial to reassure them and to instill a feeling of security and security. To tell them that you love them is “the first assertion that will let them know that the relationship does not change,” explains Murray. “They will receive this love and this support, and everything that will follow will always be anchored in a caring and healthy relationship.”
“Is there something I can do to be there for you?”
People who go out should control their own trip, including how and when they share the news with other friends or family members. Although it is important not to exceed, they will probably appreciate it if you ask them specific ways to show their support. “It is never appropriate to take out someone,” says Murray. “However, they could say,” Would you like to intercede with grandmother for me? “” Follow the example of your loved one, he educated, and remember that everyone will need something different-and your friend may not yet know what it looks like.
“Thank you very much for trusting me with your truth.”
It works whenever someone is going out, but it is particularly significant for trans people, explains Suzanne Ford, executive director of San Francisco Pride (and the first trans woman to occupy this role for the organization). “It shows that you appreciate that the other person is authentic, and that you appreciate their confidence, and it is really important,” she said. “If you start there, it’s probably going to be fine.”
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Whatever you do, don’t conversation about yourself and how revelation will affect your life. “When I went out to my mother, he became about him,” said Ford. “She has lost her son. Many people do that, and it’s the worst thing you can do, because it’s not for you, it’s about them.”
“What are your favorite pronouns?”
First step: discover the pronouns that your friend prefers. Second step: use them really. When someone goes out as a trans, you can also ask him if he changes his name, and if so, what, advises Ford. Would they like you to use this name to remedy it? “You shouldn’t have hypotheses,” she said. “Everyone comes out at different times in its transition, and they may not be ready for it.”
“I have to tell you about this cool pride event on the other day.”
Even before someone comes out, you can clearly say that you are a safe person to be entrusted, explains Zachary Zane, a sex expert and relationship with Grindr, a dating application for gay adults, bi, trans and queer. Do it using inclusive language and avoiding hypotheses on gender or relationship standards.
Learn more:: 10 things to say when someone will not come out of their phone
“You can share your own experiences if it is appropriate,” he says. “If you are comfortable, mention attitudes or experiences of support, such as talking about LGBTQ events that you have gone, or to report acceptance in a more subtle way than,” if you were gay, I would always love you “.” “”
“I really appreciate that you share with me – I know it was not easy.”
Less is more in initial conversations when someone goes out, says Zane. It is best not to rotate them with questions, especially about the future, because they probably do not yet have all the answers. After he was released as Bi, a family member asked him: “Does this mean that you are going to marry a man or a woman?” “I say to myself,” I have no idea, “he said. “” I just explore my new attractions to people, and I will start to go out with men in addition to women. »»
“Wonderful! When do we celebrate? “
It’s a great way to show you fully to kiss your friend, but he identifies, says Jason Mitchell Kahn, a wedding planner specializing in LGBTQ + weddings and author of We do: an inclusive guide when a traditional wedding will not cut it. “It’s really simple and it comes from a 100%place of support,” he says. “The release is a major and major step for many people, and sometimes it takes years to make yourself comfortable.” The fact that your friend felt ready to share how he identifies? This requires a great celebration.
“How much do you feel comfortable sharing right now?”
Not everyone wants to embark on a long conversation after its release. “Some people are ready to declare it, but they don’t want to talk about it in detail,” said Kahn. By asking how much your friend feels comfortable to share: “You give the person who leaves permission to do it on his own chronology.”
“In me, you have an ally.”
It is a great feeling, says Kahn: he strengthens that you think of your friend as strongly as you have done before, that the status of your relationship has not changed and that they can count on you and whenever they need you. He suggests adding: “I’m so happy that you are a little closer to living in a way that is true for yourself. I love you just like, and if you want to share more details on what you are going through, I’m here for you.”
Wondering what to say in a delicate social situation? Send an email to timetalk@time.com
