Organize the winter holidays through a Cuisinart
Manhattan: NASA creates a solar dreidel drone. A horrible bitch session breaks out in the Macy’s window between the staff who want the star on the tree to have five points and the staff who want six. Ninja star throwing ensues; the National Guard checks the protocol with the AI.
The Sugar Plum Fairy worries whether her tutu is perfect for the Islamabad production. Meanwhile, the Nutcracker insists on wearing a yarmulke. Bing Crosby, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr., in dresses, singing “The Three Wise Men”. Santa, passing by Mrs. Claudia, asks permission to use the female reindeer’s toilet. Out of respect for Christmas trees, who sacrifice their lives for this holiday, the Pope’s December 25 message includes adherence to paganism.
In a 5-4 split decision, the Supreme Court rules that a cross and a Star of David must hang on either side of the giant snowflake on 57th Street. On New Year’s Eve in Times Square, a 12,000 pound matzah ball falls. Meghan Markle and Prince Harry declare December 27 Sussex Day, saying it supersedes other public holidays.
Thanks to AI, the classic episode “I Love Lucy” featuring Lucy and Ethel at the Chocolate Factory is being remade as “Lucy and Ethel at the Chanukah Gelt Factory.” The updated candy pieces Lucy puts in her cheeks are sugar-free, carb-free, and chocolate-free. Al Pacino establishes himself as the godfather of vacations (East Coast). Netflix produces a groundbreaking three-part documentary in which scientists prove, with irrefutable evidence, that vacations don’t exist. Susan M. Silver
In the holiday spirit
Fountain Hills, Arizona: Daily News: Wishing you and your families a Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year! Even though we may have disagreements, I respect your work and your professionalism. Joe Arpaio
Bile diffusion
Los Angeles: I was listening to Fox News on Thursday morning with its usual round-up of President Trump’s bootlickers – Lindsey Graham and Newt Gingrich, to name a few – who were gaslighting their viewers, trying to convince them that Trump’s speech on Wednesday night was the most powerful speech by an American president since Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. What journalism and television news needs more than anything right now is an annual award for the most ridiculous propaganda inflicted on the American people. I suggest the annual “Joseph Goebbels Achievement Award”. Gilbert Favor
File lackeys
White Plains, New York: Do you really think the Justice Department led by Trump’s MAGA team, Pam Bondi and her former personal attorney Todd Blanche, is going to release a dossier showing Trump in a negative light? You are crazy. Redact, redact, redact, yada, yada, yada. Should I say conflict of interest? Jeff Gold
Homage to the toilet
Lakewood, NJ: Since it seems the Chief Clown likes to see his name on buildings, coins, national park passes, etc., let’s all support his narcissistic ways. My contribution is to name our two toilet bowls “The Donald J. Trump Depository”. Have a good trip ! Frank Mongiello
I wish them bad
Middle Village: Please people, do not commit violence against high-level people in government or business. Just pray they have diarrhea for a year. Jean Puglisi
Counterattack
Manhattan: We appear to be at war with Venezuela at the behest of King Trump. Congress has abdicated its responsibility to verify royal decrees. Trump’s foreign policy has four elements: waging war on countries that have what we want (Venezuela); praising and allying with other autocrats (Russia); punish former allies (Europe); and replace real diplomacy with the search for commercial opportunities (in Gaza and almost everywhere else). If our zombie Congress rose from the dead, it could attempt to stop our aggression against Venezuela, but it failed in the first round. MAGA House Speaker Mike Johnson rallied Trump loyalists to kill the War Powers Resolution Act that would have ended this undeclared war. Senator Chuck Schumer joins Senator Adam Schiff in unanimous action to compel Pete Hegseth, head of our “War Department,” to release the full video of the slain boat strike survivors. This could embarrass some Republican senators. Holly Hester-Reilly
That works
Chatham, New Jersey: What if there was a proven way to reverse a national drug crisis without declaring it “war,” killing “suspected traffickers” without proof of wrongdoing and expelling the “invaders”? This is called the Portuguese model. By the late 1990s, Portugal was mired in drug problems, with more citizens incarcerated for drug offenses than any other EU member. In 2001, it decriminalized the use and possession of up to 10 days’ worth of narcotics, including heroin and cocaine. By 2024, a country with a population roughly equal to that of New Jersey has gone from 3,000 fatal overdoses a year in the 1990s to about 80. Diseases like HIV and AIDS caused by dirty needles have also dropped. The model focuses on drug treatment, job training, housing and free access to health care, much cheaper than our system. Drug addiction is treated as a physical or mental health problem while trafficking remains a crime. Paul A. Denk
Think bigger
Manhattan: To Voice Carrie Tassa: Thank you for reading my letter and proving my point. Conservatives like you focus on incarcerating people who commit crimes, which Kerri Aherne has clearly done. My letter called attention to the flaws in our mental health system that let people like Aherne into the population in the first place – without treatment. Your approach will do little to stop such future crimes. Mine directly examines the systemic reforms needed to achieve this. Public safety is about more than cops, handcuffs and Tasers. Think about it. Michael Barnhart
Stolen value
Bellerose: Where is American patriotism? My American flag was stolen overnight. Whoever stole it also stole the pole it was attached to. I have lived in Glen Oaks Village for 20 years and Little Neck for 10 years and my flag has never been stolen. He was the only one in the neighborhood. I am 76 years old and served in the United States Navy during the Vietnam period aboard destroyers, aircraft carriers and helicopters. I have served with honor and respect for our flag and in defense of our nation. I have stage 4 cancer and osteoporosis and have difficulty walking. The American flag is the fabric of our nation. It represents all the men and women who served and lost their arms, legs and sight. May God forgive the person(s) who stole my flag and may it be returned. Frederick Robert Bedell Jr.
Dressed in worry
Long Island City: Gas industry lobbyists hide their true goals by presenting themselves as being on the side of the average consumer. This has happened twice recently in these pages. In their op-eds, Jane Menton (“Mamdani’s climate justice makes New York unaffordable,” Nov. 29) and Daniel Ortega (“Hochul must veto 100-foot bill,” Dec. 11), directors of the New Yorkers for Reliable Affordable Energy and the friendly-looking New Yorkers for Affordable Energy, respectively, present themselves as ordinary people we can trust. But behind these names, National Grid, National Fuel Gas and the American Petroleum Institute aim to improve their bottom line. These are companies that promote dirty gases and condemn us to decades of methane inhalation, compromised health, and rising energy costs when we could have cheap, clean solar and wind power instead. Governor Hochul fell for this. The result is the new State Energy Plan that sets us back. Grace Mok
Left in ruins
Brooklyn: Thank you, Jessica Katz, for writing what I’ve been saying for years (“NYCHA must be at the heart of Mamdani’s housing plan,” editorial, Dec. 20). Our social housing system is a disaster. As a citizen, I have seen buildings go without heat, without elevators and without repairs for years. The collapse of Mitchel Homes is just another sign of neglect, abuse and corruption. I’m happy to support NYCHA with my tax dollars, so why isn’t this done? To your list of problems, I would like to add people who are no longer eligible for housing and still own an apartment, and people with specific criminal records who still reside there even though they are not allowed to. Our city and our citizens deserve better. Suzanne Caprio
