11 things that therapists want each child to know

You never know what will stay in small minds. “Sometimes I will ask the children to tell me something that their grandmother or his coach said-and that is perhaps something that the rest of us was shrugged, but for this child, it really had an impact,” explains Amy Morin, therapist and author of 13 things that strong children do. This is why it is important that parents get into the habit of repeating nuggets of wisdom that become rebounding mantras in the minds of their children for years to come.
We asked Morin and other therapists to share the easy jewels that they want each child to know.
“Wick people simply show what they feel for themselves.”
If someone intimidates you, Morin tells his younger customers, it is because he feels bad about himself. “It is so important for children to know that if you feel good about yourself, you would be nice to others,” she said. “The words and behaviors of the nasty peoples are a reflection of what is happening inside themnot you. “”
This is not an excuse for the injuring behavior of the intimidators, she adds. But he invites empathy. Ideally, children will start to think: “Ok, something else happens with this person I don’t know,” said Morin – and then they will not take this injunction or these nasty words.
“Listen to your angel shoulders.”
When Morin speaks to children, she explains that we all have a “devil” on one shoulder telling us to do things that could do good in the moment, but it is not the best choice, and an “angel” to the other telling us to do the right thing. “These are the two voices you hear in your head when mom says:” Do not eat the cookie “, and the little devil says:” No, take it “and your shoulder angel says:” No, you really shouldn’t, “she said. “You have the power to decide which one you will listen to.”
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It is a precious lesson on the quality of the quality of being able to make a choice, which can stimulate the confidence and independence of children. In addition, it helps those who are in trouble behaving badly – which could be labeled “bad” children – have proven less, says Morin, because they will understand that everyone is tempted by their “shoulder devil” sometimes.
“Asking for help is a kind of bravery.”
Admittedly, independence is important. But children do not need to understand everything for themselves – and learn that it is normal to ask for help is life skill. “It’s vulnerable, that’s for sure, and I think that is why people don’t always do it,” said Naveen Khalfan, therapist for marriage and approved family in Headspace. “But vulnerability is a force.”
“Not everyone should love you, and it’s okay. You’re still enough.”
Growing up, children often learn that they should behave like people. “They are constantly trying to integrate into boxes or places where they think they are going to be accepted,” explains Khalfan. “Of course, you need your tribe, and you should feel belonging. But if you are constantly trying to integrate the images of others from who you should be, you will never be authentic.” This trend can persist throughout someone’s life, she adds, leading to constant struggles with identity and self-acceptance.
“Just because you have a thought.”
It is normal to question your brain – and in fact, it is a good idea to get into the habit of noticing and questioning negative thoughts. “We have this idea that if we think of something, we must pay attention to it and that there is meaning there,” explains Natalie Bernstein, psychologist at Pittsburgh. This is not necessarily the case. Instead, “approach this thought with curiosity”, she advises children. “Be an investigator – don’t take it as a fact. Look at him a little. ”
“The concern drags in the future, so let’s think about it when we get there.”
A large part of what we worry never materializes – or, if this is the case, it is not as bad as expected. So why lose all this time and precious energy imagining the worst scenarios? “It is much easier to wait and know than you can manage it,” says Bernstein. “Anticipation is not protective, even if we think it.”
“Make mistakes don’t look bad – it just means you learn.”
It is one of the most important lessons to instill in children. Khalfan noticed that when some young people try something new, they abandon if they are not great right away.
“We live in this perfectionist world where it is like” oh, you have to do things correctly the first time, and if you don’t do it, then something is wrong with you or you are stupid, “said Khalfan.” It’s really sad, because when you learn to walk, do not trip a million times? ”
“All the feelings are correct, but the hurtful actions are not.”
It is normal to feel angry, but not to hit someone. And it’s ok to be sad, but not to shout hard in public, Morin likes to say.
“Many children and parents from my therapy office confuse feelings of anger with aggressive behavior,” she says. If, for example, a 7 year old child tells him that he pushed someone on the playing field because the other child was an idiot, Morin explains that being upset is normal; This is what you do with these feelings that matter. This helps the young people with whom she works to better communicate their emotions. “A child who can say” I am angry “is much less likely to go up and kick someone in the shins,” she says. “These are children who find it difficult to understand this feeling or identifying it, who feel like having to show you how it has injured their feelings.”
“Your body belongs to you.”
You decide who gives you hugs or high -fives – and it is always normal to say no. The strengthening of this message teaches children “so much” of things, says Khalfan, including the importance of the limits and that you always consider if you feel safe and comfortable in a given situation.
This is what she instills in her young son at the moment. “He’s super extroverted and really friendly with people, and I like him to trust everyone,” she said. “But I also have the impression that he needs to learn to be a little more aware – who East everyone?”
“If you can name it, you can tame it.”
Children do not obtain formal training on how to identify their feelings, but any therapist will tell you that it is a crucial competence that can help children manage painful emotions, such as disappointment, embarrassment or rejection.
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“If we can teach children from an early age to start really identifying what they feel, it automatically reduces the impact,” explains Bernstein. “If you can identify what you feel, then you know how to work there, and you are not stuck with that.”
“You are loved for whom you are, not what you do.”
In this world focused on achievements, when children are too much: extras – like private lessons and multiple leagues – it is easy to assimilate success to value. “Validation may seem that this is only by their performance in the sports team,” explains Bernstein. But what happens if you decide to leave softball or if you don’t have a good game?
It is important to start learning at an early age that “your parents are not there because they think you are going to hit a home run,” she says. “They are there because they want to support you and you like sport.” The sooner this message became printed on a child’s brain, the less likely they are to look at anxiety and perfectionism that could drive them out a lifetime.